FEATURE: Stuart Goldsmith – Bunch Of Fives | NARC. | Reliably Informed | Music and Creative Arts News for Newcastle and the North East

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We catch up with comedian Stuart Goldsmith ahead of his new show coming to The Stand in Newcastle on Sunday 3rd June. Like I Mean It is a show set to see the effortless comic on top form, and before all that, he was happy to share his five most annoying fruits in a new Bunch Of Fives. Over to you Stu…

These are a real stickler.  Come on, £4 per punnet?  And you’ve got to pay that price if you want the good stuff, and not a collection of black rubber earbuds in a plastic coffin.  I’m all for my son being healthy, but maybe he isn’t oxidised enough!  he doesn’t even eat them, he just squishes them in his hand while staring at me, as if to say “work. harder.”

Completely unreliable, and let’s be honest not THAT great when you catch them on time, which never happens.  Also what’s the “conference” about?  It’s a meeting at absolute best, and one at which they can’t all be trusted to be there at the same time. Plus they’re beloved of Carry On film double entendres, which means they let down the rest of the fruit family like a drunk uncle making a pass at a bridesmaid.


Anything in an “Ella’s Kitchen” foil pouch.
I’m not psychically strong enough when feeding my child at 6am to cope with a font that has deliberately backward “R”s and “S”s, and seems designed to make me fly into a rage. In the Southern hemisphere there’s an equivalent called “Rafferty’s Garden” which makes me think somewhere out there is “Tarquin’s Pantry” and “Kevin’s Box”.

“Eat Natural” bars.
Okay they’re not a fruit, but they’re pretty much my only fruit intake, after life as a gigging comic sees me eating mostly-but-not-entirely pain au chocolate. These fruity, cranberry and nut “health” bars come in a multipack which is the same width as the individual bars, but when you open it the bars inside turn out to be mini versions sitting in a box with empty space at either end. It’s enough to invoke a Punisher-style rampage, wearing a black bulletproof vest decorated with a big white coconut.  With eyes.

Stuart Goldsmith brings his new show Like I Mean It to The Stand, Newcastle on Sunday 3rd June.

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