FEATURE: George Zach – Bunch Of Fives | NARC. | Reliably Informed | Music and Creative Arts News for Newcastle and the North East

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Stand-up comic George Zach is bringing his new show Confessions Of A Homeless Greek Sex God to The Stand in Newcastle on Sunday 26th February, with a portion of the proceeds going to homeless charity Crisis. Before that, with a show centre around dating, he shared his wisdom on five places you definitely wouldn’t want to take a Tinder date. Over to you George…

I like Tinder. It allows for virtually all possibilities on a date. From the positive outcomes such as a night of passion, a relationship, or a good new friend, to the worst ones; from zero sparks and zero banter and an awkward two hours, to someone that gets drunk and confides in you their belief that the Queen is actually a lizard. Or, to my personal favourite; being stood up outside H&M in Melbourne last April, watching a busker battle rap themselves for 20 minutes, only to check on your phone and see you’ve been unmatched, presumably because they came nearby, saw your face and felt sick to their stomach. Not that I would know anything about it.

So whilst you are thinking of what to do for a first date through this glorious app, here are some things to avoid.

I never understood the appeal of the cinema for a first date. You hardly know each other and yet you are planning to spend an hour or two in silence? That is half the night or more. If I wanted two hours in awkward silence I would have stayed with my ex. Also, I don’t know about you but i am a bit of a clean freak. Which means that I might be potentially okay with your hands reaching for my genitals at the end of the night, but if I see it going anywhere near my popcorn I will lose my shit.

If you are trying to impress a stranger, why take them to a place full of attractive single people who are also going to be trying the same thing? This is the sort of competition a lot of us don’t need on a first date. Another thing is the dancing. You just can’t be yourself. Don’t get me wrong. I love clubbing. I dance for hours. But when I dance I can’t control what I look like. I want to imagine I move like Justin Timberlake but I will probably spend the night trying not to look like Neil from The Inbetweeners. They say dance like no one’s watching. What world do they live in? If most of us dance like no one’s watching, soon everyone will be watching, except for your date who will have fucked off.

Meet With Friends
Making a good impression to the person you are on a date is one thing. They must have liked your conversation enough to agree to a date and yes they also are attracted to you-at least enough to swipe right on your stupid face when they were probably taking a shit. But now you have to deal with a bunch of people who want the best for their friend. I may not be great with sports but I have watched enough Football to know that playing away from home reduces your chances of scoring.
“But what if they agree to meet with MY mates, George?” I hear you ask. Do you really trust your stupid friends to not bring up embarrassing stories about you when they get drunk? The only time I am happy to be with my mates when I flirt, is when we are out clubbing. And as far as that goes on a first Tinder date, see above.

The Zoo/Aquarium
Hey. Let’s go see animals that are caged up in enclosures thousands of miles away from home for our entertainment. Is that a Koala just hanging out in Edinburgh? Wow! A lion, the king of the jungle is roaring oh no hes actually straining out a big shit. Brilliant. Wanna see the monkeys? Oh look, this one is masturbating. How romantic < 3.

Netflix And Chill
What? But this is Tinder! Yes. A date might end up back at yours but never ever let it START there. What if someone massively different from the photos turns up? “Oh yeah, sorry, I was 60 lbs lighter then, but it was seven years ago. What’s for food?” What if they are just plain boring or you changed your mind and you want to get rid of them? I have never kicked someone out of my house before. Visiting their house? But what if they are a psycho? I know they didn’t sound like one, but most don’t sound like psychopaths until they have you trapped asking you put the lotion in the basket. I made the mistake of going to someone’s house once. Not only did I not like her but she was so sexually aggressive that I had to pretend my friend got ill and rushed out on a 4.2x Uber charge. Never again.

George Zach brings Confessions Of A Homeless Greek Sex God to The Stand, Newcastle on Sunday 26th February.

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