FEATURE: Eleanor Conway – Bunch Of Fives | NARC. | Reliably Informed | Music and Creative Arts News for Newcastle and the North East

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Former ferocious clubber, party girl and music journalist Eleanor Conway has certainly lived an interesting life. From partying around the world during her time as a music journo, interviewing everyone from Justin Bieber to 50 Cent, running off to Asia to work for the Triads and making hardcore porn, it’s safe to say she has a lot of tales to share. Eleanor is now touring the country with her stand-up debut Walk of Shame; a show about sex, sobriety, sambuca and the modern addict that lies within us all, and she’ll pay Tyne Theatre & Opera House a visit on Friday 17th March. One of the topics covered in Walk of Shame is the minefield that is the world of dating apps, so who better to provide some ‘stalking’ tips than a woman who has ‘Tinder’d her way through most of London’ (her words not ours!) Take it away Eleanor…

Trying to find love via dating apps is time consuming and involves lots of admin. A plethora of unanswered messages, vanilla ‘banter’ that goes on for weeks until you actually meet and realise that you have been conversing with the echo of your own charisma bounced onto the words of a red trouser wearing Sloane, whose use of the sexual verb ‘bonk’ hints at the ‘great’ sex you guys will not be having should you manage to get drunk enough. 

I don’t have time for this and nor do you, I’m too busy prolonging my adolescence in the avocado laden sand pit in that London. I have been single for a looonnnngggg time and in the absence of a tinder PA (good idea right?) I thought I’d consolidate that experience and give you my top 5 time-saving tips for online (hetrosexual) daters. 

1. Anyone that sends you a superlike on Tinder or a charm on Happn isn’t more than a 2/10, don’t even bother wasting the time it takes to unlock your phone or the battery power to open the app to find this out. Save your battery percentage, you need that to stalk the WhatsApp timestamp of a man that hasn’t text you in two weeks.

2. No, Bumble isn’t better because girls start chatting first. Just because after a match the woman has to make the first move, it doesn’t mean they are going to respond. Men and women use apps in the same way that they do real life, women are choosy and men swipe right on as many options as possible and choose the choosiest girl. Dating apps magnify this and when men run out of options, they can just get on a bus. 

3. Men might be shallow creatures and rule their decisions with their dick, but women are idiots and have BS checklists that are unattainable. If you’ve ever been a woman or tried to have sex with one you will know if we haven’t asked how tall you are in the first 3 questions, either we’re holding back with the strength of ten thousand Hillary Clinton’s on election night or we’ve already sussed your height out using clues from your profile pictures … Ladies make yourself seem less shallow, and work out the height of a match by looking at where the light switch is in the picture, if it’s near their shoulder they’re short AF. Mid-torso and we’re good to go.

4. Look at the background of the profile picture before you go on a date, messy room? No. MFI furniture? No. Wedding band on his finger? Are you on the right app?

5. Get your match onto What’s App as soon as possible, once you have their phone number a whole world of research options await. Most Facebook profiles are linked to phone numbers so putting a number in the search box may bring up your potential beau’s details. If it’s not, reverse google image search his profile picture. Then it’s a short jump away to Linkedin to find out what he does and TotalJobs to see his salary bracket. (NB: The latter steps are for prime stalkers. Advanced players only)

If this sounds like a bit too much effort, you could try a new app, it’s called ‘in real life’… You can play anywhere and there’s minimal admin!

Eleanor Conway brings her debut stand-up show ‘Walk of Shame’ to Tyne Theatre & Opera House, Newcastle on Friday 17th March. Tickets are priced £10. (Strictly 18+)

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